I was asked to present a workshop at a conference recently. As it was remote, I had recorded the presentation in advance and was just on hand to answer questions in the chat feature. At one point someone asked me, “given the risk factors for LGBTQ young people, do you think it is OK to push this lifestyle on young people?” The moderators were very concerned that this was a hostile question and, maybe, it was. But I think it is an important question to wrestle with.
People who grow up with their identities essentially in line with their family’s, school’s, community’s and society’s expectations seldom have to consider this issue. With some exceptions, of course, those whose identity - sexual orientation, gender identity and expression in particular - match the expectations of those around them seldom think about how innate to their core identity their gender and to whom they are attracted is. Generally, those whose sexual orientation, gender identity and expression do not match expectations are forced to really think about the mismatch.
It is really simple.
Identity? Heterosexual, cisgender, gender conforming folks, by far the majority, have their sexual orientation, gender identity and expression as core pieces of their identity (it wasn’t something they chose) - granted they are not forced to think about it as often as LGBTQ folks are. Folks who are not heterosexual, are transgender or gender non-conforming understand this part of themselves as core to their identity and have probably given it much more thought out of necessity. Note, we are talking identity here, not behavior. Identity and behavior sometimes follow one another but not always. Risk factors escalate for everyone when you feel pressured to behave in a way that is inauthentic to your identity.
Lifestyle? This is changeable - it is where you live, where you travel, food you eat, exercise you engage in, car you drive - generally a offshoot of your economic status. Webster’s definition of lifestyle as a noun is “a particular way of living : the way a person lives or a group of people live” - not how they identify but how they live. Nothing about a person’s identity automatically tells you anything about how they live (their behavior).
If you are heterosexual, cisgender and gender conforming, consider yourself lucky to live into the expectations of those around you (at least around sexual orientation, gender identity and expression) and to not have had to give this much thought. Just keep in mind that just because you haven’t had to think about it much, doesn’t make it less a part of your core identity. It doesn’t make it a lifestyle choice.
